Chocolate Chip Cookie Thoughts

I’ve been thinking…

It’s time to heal. Like, really heal…

I am someone who pushes through the hard times as though they never existed; Someone who trudges through the quicksand, all the while pretending that I am simply walking on a cloud…

That is my coping technique. And it works for a little while…

I put on a show for everyone around me so they never have to know… A show of laughter and smiles in spite of the darkness so they never have to see the darkness.

I do it because I know what it’s like to see pain in someone you love; I know what it’s like to know that no matter what you say or do, you can’t help them. I know how much that hurts inside. And I don’t want that for anyone around me. I will put on a million fake smiles to spare them that. So I just keep smiling…

I want to be your rock; I will be your North star, so you don’t get lost like me. You say I’m strong… but I disagree.

I’ve just fooled you. I even manage to fool myself sometimes…

But I’ll be honest with you… it all does becomes exhausting – almost impossible really…

Because the truth is I have been hurt. The truth is, sometimes I am really not okay. Sometimes it all just comes to a head and I break…

Because the truth is no matter how many times I tell myself I am over it… that doesn’t make it true. No matter how many times I tell myself I have forgiven, it still doesn’t make me forget; No matter how many times I choose to move forward, there is always a little piece of me that stays behind…

That special little part of me I’m so scared I might not ever get back…

The truth is I am vulnerable. But I struggle with vulnerability. Particularly when it comes to the people who I love the most. I don’t want them to see that part of me. I want them to think I am nothing but strong. I don’t want them to know they are capable of hurting me. I don’t want them to hurt me, because I know they are the ones who could do the most damage.

So I surrender my vulnerability for a kind of hard strength; A resigned, indifferent strength that I don’t actually like in myself. A strength that stems from fear, and closes me off from people. A strength that keeps people at arms length. A strength that in all honesty, isn’t actually real…

Because I’m so sorry but I don’t trust you… I love you, but I don’t trust you. I want to trust you… I try to trust you… but It’s not so simple…

But this can’t go on. I can feel like it breaking me… pulling me apart into a person I don’t want to be…

And If there’s one thing I won’t allow myself to do, it’s that.

So I’ve been thinking… it’s time to heal. It’s time to embrace my vulnerability. It’s time to cherish it again.

And for anyone who can relate to this… you are not alone.

And no matter what… there will always be chocolate chip cookies. And I believe in the power of their healing.

KP <3

Healing Chocolate Chip Cookies

Things you need…
1 cup unsalted butter, softened
1 cup dark brown sugar
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1 large egg
1 tbsp pure vanilla extract
2 1/4 cups all purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp cinnamon
3/4 tsp salt
1 cup dark chocolate, chopped **I find good quality belgian chocolate makes for the best melt 
1/2 cup milk chocolate chopped

1 tbsp flaky sea salt for sprinkling, optional

How to make…
Preheat oven to 350F degrees and line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

In a large mixing bowl, cream together butter and sugars until pale and creamy. Add in your egg and beat on high until fluffy. Add in your vanilla, and mix on high until combined.

In a small bowl, whisk together flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt and cinnamon. Add dry ingredients to the wet ingredients and beat on low until it starts to come together; increase the speed and beat until completely combined. Beat in your chopped chocolate and mix to combine.

Use a large cookie scoop to portion the dough into large balls – you should end up with about 16. You could also make them smaller to end up with 24.

Bake the cookies 1 pan at a time. Bake for 10-12 minutes (depending on the size) or until the edges are golden. If your cookies are a little underbaked, so don’t worry if the centers don’t look quite set, they will continue to cook once you remove them from the oven and just be soft, chewy, delicious!

Once your cookies are out of the oven, sprinkle them with flaky sea salt