Life Update; A Word on Being Single

A few days ago was Valentine’s Day. Truth be told I’ve never put too excited about it as a holiday. It’s never really had a hold on me, and has kind of always kinda just been another day to me. Even when I had a significant other, we were never really inclined to celebrate beyond much more than doing a sweet little something for each other. (like eating our favourite Chinese take out from the comfort of our couch while sharing a box of good chocolates) 

So for the better part of my life, I have never really given the holiday much thought at all. But this year was a little different. I guess because it was my first Valentine’s Day being singlein 12 years, people were giving me a lot of attention about it. Asking me questions like “Is it weird being single on Valentine’s Day after so long?” or “Are you sad to be alone on Valentine’s Day” or “Does it make you miss your ex?” … etc.

Their intentions in asking me these questions were completely pure and they just wanted to make sure I was “okay.” But truth be told, until people asked me these things, those feelings hadn’t even occurred to me that feeling sad about this Valentine’s Day might be a “normal” feeling. But then once I started getting asked, I found myself wondering if that’s how “I should feel” about being single or as people like to put it “alone” on Valentine’s Day.

So the week leading up to Valentine’s Day I started to notice more than normal the hype and pressure on social media surrounding the holiday. My instagram feed was suddenly saturated with pictures of loving couples sharing a romantic activities together. I quickly understood why someone might assume that the holiday should make me feel sad or why people in similar situations to mine maybe do feel sad about the day.

I am an overthinker; so all these questions and hype about the holiday really got me going in my head and made me think more and more about some realizations I have come to in the past few months about “single life.” Realizations that there is so much pressure from society to partner up – not just on Valentine’s Day – but just in life in general.

Before I really get into all that, I just want to take a second to say thank you to all of you who read that post – because I feel like I have never really properly done this. So thank you to all of you for sending me all your well wishes and love and positive words. Thank you to those who continue to message me and check in to see how I am doing. I will be forever grateful to all of you who reached out to me, and forever in your debt, because you truly have no idea how much you helped me make it through that tough, tough time in my life. You are all such incredible, thoughtful, empathetic human beings and I truly don’t know what I have done to deserve your kindness. You always blow me away…

For those of you who have not read that post – I will preface this by just quickly saying that I was in an 11 year relationship with my high school sweet heart. We were engaged, but decided to go our separate ways around this time last year.

As you can probably imagine – after we broke up, I had zero desire to date. For months I was certain I would never feel the way about another human being the way that I felt about Cole, and for months the idea of dating never so much as crossed my mind.

But to my surprise even as short as one month after our break up, I started having friends and family – and even new acquaintances suggesting to me that I needed to “get back in the dating game”, that I should be “putting myself out there” and “taking this opportunity to enjoy casual dating as much as possible.”

Personally, I was quite shocked at how fast people were expecting me to be ready to date, but I understood that everybody is different in how they deal with their grief so I didn’t really give it too much thought at the time.

After about 5 months I still had no desire to date. But the questions about being single and the idea that I should be dating again started to get to me. It seemed like this was the general opinion of everybody, so I began to feel this pressure like maybe starting to date was what in fact “I should be doing.”  Like maybe I was doing myself a disservice by not trying.

Taking a little step back – Here is a little confession that I think is an important piece to this overall story; I have struggled with self confidence my entire life. I am constantly battling feelings of “not being good enough” in just about every aspect of my life; in my appearance; in school; at work; as a friend; as a partner; in my life decisions… etc. And as much as I hate to admit it – I care about what people think about me; to a fault actually. This is something I have been working on a lot this year, but I am a work in progress and as much as I hate to admit it, I still let fear and peoples hypothetical perceptions (made up in my own head) of me influence some of my decisions.

My struggles with self confidence have made me something of an introvert my whole life; thus, “putting myself out there” has never been something that comes naturally or easily to me. For the better part of my life I have avoided many life situations simply because of my very real social anxiety. I have always preferred to be alone and live a quiet life over going with the crowd.

But after Cole and I broke up, I made it a goal of mine to really work on my self confidence; to push myself to do things I normally would never do; to stop being afraid of failure, and to try new things. I’m a work in progress, but it’s something that I’ve become very proud of. I’ve had so many good things come from coming out of my shell in the past year, and I am so thankful to the people who encouraged, and keep on encouraging me to do it.

I’m the first to admit that I need to be pushed out of my comfort zone. So when people kept telling me that I needed to get out into the dating world because I was “never going to meet anybody just sitting at home on a Friday night,” I started to believe doing the things they were telling me to do was all just part of this same process of coming out of my shell, and ultimately becoming a better version of myself.

So even though I really didn’t have any desire to date, I was feeling the pressure; I was feeling “abnormal.” I let the intense fear that was being instilled in me about what people would think of me if I didn’t do the things they thought “I should be doing” push me into the dating scene.

With much hesitation about 6 months after my break up with Cole, I started dating again… and for me it was terrifying. Truly, terrifying.

My first date was with a friend of a friend (thank god), whom I have to say is probably one of the nicest human beings I have ever met, and truthfully I could not have asked for a better person to go out on a first date with. He is a good person. We had met at a party once before, and he asked me out on a date, which to my surprise I was actually pretty excited to get to know him better. Excited – but still absolutely scared shitless.

I remember sitting across the table from him and literally shaking in my seat; I was cold sweating; stress eating mass amounts of sushi and trying not to let him see how much of a spaz I am. He was perfectly nice; he was a gentleman, and our conversation was great – but the entire time I was thinking to myself… what if he tries to hold my hand? What if he tries to give me a kiss? Please don’t. Please, please don’t. I didn’t know why I was thinking these things, but I just knew I didn’t want it; I wasn’t ready for it; I didn’t know how to act.

I vividly remember a moment in out date, knowing that he wanted to kiss me. It was a good opportunity and I could feel it; I could sense it. He slightly leaned in and I literally leaned and looked in the exact opposite direction. I pretended I had no idea what he was trying to do, and that I was fascinated with something happening way off in the distance – when in reality I fully knew exactly what he was trying to do… And he knew I knew.

I could tell he was slightly embarrassed, but thankfully he was perfectly nice and laughed it off. Still, I felt like the most ridiculous idiot on the face of the planet; I was horribly embarrassed. I kept asking myself “What is wrong with you? Are you five? Why wouldn’t you just let him kiss you?” I was emotionally kicking myself for being such a spaz and I couldn’t shake this horrible feeling of guilt for now making our date awkward. I wanted to die in that moment. I wanted to crawl out of my skin and run for the hills…

We continued on for the rest of the night, and I could tell he probably thought I was nuts. I drove home rolling my eyes at myself, and spilled my guts to my mom about how ridiculous I felt. She laughed at me in the most loving way, and assured me it was probably just first date jitters, and that I just needed more time to get comfortable with guys again.

I took her word for it, and instead of vowing to never put myself in that situation again (as much as I wanted to) I told myself to give it another go. I was still stuck on the notion that I should be dating, and the issue was just that I needed to do it more to eventually feel “normal”. And so began a string of exactly 8 awkward dating scenarios over the course of a few months and exactly 1, and only 1,pleasant scenario…

To clarify, all the guys I have been out on dates with have been nice people. I hold nothing against them. In general I can make conversation with a brick wall – it might be awkward or weird because I ramble when I’m nervous – but I can hold a conversation. I am an introvert, but I love conversing with interesting people. I am a listener, and I love to hear peoples stories. I am also very inquisitive, so I never have a shortage of questions.

So when I entered these dating situations, it was always common that we had pretty good conversation. We would share a few laughs, maybe have some food and I would think to myself “he seems like a nice enough guy”… but 8 out of the 9 times, I wasn’t interested in anything beyond possibly a friendship. And because I struggle with self confidence I usually operate under the general assumption that the guy is probably not really that interested in me either – and like me is simply making pleasant conversation for no other reason than to simply be nice. So I never expected them to look to me for anything further…

I don’t know guys, maybe I was living in a sheltered fantasy land having been in on only one long term relationship my whole life, and never having to experience the “dating scene…” So call me a “prude” or “old fashioned,” or whatever you want to (I am used to it by now) – but personally, almost all of my dating experiences left me being a little taken back by the fact that every single guy I have been out with (with the exception of one) attempted to kiss or touch me without so much of a courtesy of simply reading the room (meaning my subtle / not-so-subtle no touchy vibes); or having any kind of permission or invitation from me to do so… This was kind of shocking to me.

To clarify; nobody has been overly aggressive with me to the point where when I asked them to stop, they refused to stop and for that I am extremely grateful. They were all at least somewhat respectful and understanding (okay, for some this is maybe a generous description of their reaction) But at the very least when I told them that I was uncomfortable, they stopped what they were doing.

That being said, half of them did proceed to make questionable statements that I let have the power to leave me feeling guilty for telling them to stop. Like I must have in some way asked for them to try and kiss me, or even worse, there must be something wrong with me for not wanting that kind of affection from them.

Looking back on this I realize that I was allowing myself to be manipulated into those thoughts – but at the time it was a horrible feeling that just left me feeling like a total and complete weirdo.

That in combination with my single girlfriends never seeming to be able to relate to my lack of desire for more of a physical connection with these seemingly “good guys”, left me constantly asking myself “why am I the only one who seems to have this problem with the romantic side of things? “

My girlfriends would ask me things like “Well, was he good looking?,” “Was he nice?” “Was he funny?” And most of the time the answers to these questions were yes. And then I get “So then why not kiss him? Why not go out with him again? Why not sleep with him?”

I could honestly never explain it, beyond just plain old not wanting to; And because I couldn’t explain it any further than that, I started to feel like maybe I was the problem and that there must be something wrong with me.

So in an effort to prove to myself that I was normal, I kept forcing myself into more, and more awkward dating situations. Why? Well, I figured eventually I would be able to have a date that doesn’t end with me feeling like that… but they just kept coming. Literally 99% of them ended with me in the exact same scenario, leaving me feeling like a complete and utter failure of a human because I simply couldn’t find someone who I genuinely wanted to connect with romantically.

So after a few months of painful dating experiences and feeling like a complete and utter failure at life; one last experience finally snapped me out of it, and made me realize that actually, there is actually nothing wrong with me, and I don’t have to date if I don’t want to. Oh and no, I don’t need to have anymore of a reason – for myself or anyone else – other than that “I just plain don’t want to.”

The turning point for me was this… It’s a bit of a weird story and I’m feeling a bit embarrassed sharing it, but I do also think it’s important for women to hear it.

On the last date I went on, the guy out of nowhere suddenly tried to make out with me. He didn’t ask – he just went all in. I was not expecting it; it caught me off guard; I didn’t want it, so I told was making me uncomfortable and I wasn’t ready for that.

To his credit, he was respectful and retreated from what he was doing. However he then proceeded to say something to me that left me speechless, and to this day I still kind of can’t believe.

What he said was this…

“I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable. I’m really not trying to pressure you. I understand that something traumatic must have happened to you sexually, so if you want to talk to me about that, I would love to listen.”

These were the words that he actually said to me…

Now on the one hand, I was grateful that he was respectful of my boundaries, and that he was kind enough to offer an ear to my hypothetical “traumatic experience” – but on the other hand I was absolutely flabbergasted that just because I wouldn’t make out with him – on the first date no less – his only thought was to automatically assume that I must have had something “traumatic happen to me sexually.” As if that was the only possible or logical explanation for why I did not want him to be all over me…

Again, I was left speechless, and proceeded to exit that situation as quickly as I could.

Now before I go on, let me first clarify that I am fortunate enough to be able to say that I have never had anything traumatic happen to me sexually; I had never been a victim of sexual violence, as he so boldly assumed that I must have been. But when he said that to me, I was so shocked at his assumption that for a minute I actually let it manipulate me into wondering if maybe I had. And I know that sounds RIDICULOUS, but I actually ran my life before my eyes and wondered to myself… “have I ever been sexually abused? Is it possible I have been suppressing something my entire life?” I know I haven’t been… but the absoluteness of his assumption that I must have been because in his mind there is no other logical explanation for why a girl wouldn’t want to make out with him, actually made me question myself…

How messed up is that?!?!? I will tell you – it’s messed up! And quite frankly I’m embarrassed at myself for being so vulnerable to his manipulation. For a minute I actually let myself feel bad for making him feel so embarrassed that he had to fabricate an answer to why.

I know this situation could have been a whole lot worse, but looking back on it now I find it quite offensive. It really opened my eyes to the fact that I don’t ever want to allow myself to feel guilty for asking someone to stop when they are making me uncomfortable. And I don’t need to explain myself to them. And neither do you.

Anyways, long story short – that was my turning point.

At first, I let him make me feel like I was some kind of weirdo for stopping him in his tracks; Like there must be something seriously wrong with me for doing that. I cried the entire car ride home; asked myself “what is wrong with you,” let myself feel all kinds of guilt, and shame for the awkward situation I created by telling him no…. It was awful. I replayed the scenario in my mind over and over again, tortured myself with it.

Writing this all down now, it sounds absurd. But it’s truly how I allowed myself to feel.

But the next day it was like a switch flipped. I had this epiphany like… “why don’t I want to date the attractive man?” Well because it comes right down to it, I just don’t want to… and that’s it. No further explanation required. Boom. Mind blown.

I don’t have the desire to fake it, or force it just for the sake of saying “I go on dates” or that “I’m seeing somebody” or to fill a the void from a little twang of loneliness I might feel every so often…. I just don’t want to.

I have no desire to force myself into a situation where I am uncomfortable right from the start and where I might be forced to tell someone that I am uncomfortable because they are in my opinion being too forward… I don’t feel like that is something I should have to do, and I’ve finally accepted that this does not make me a weirdo.

So yes, I would much prefer to spend my Friday and Saturday nights solo or simply with girlfriends doing a PG13 activities like baking cookies or going to see a movie. I will choose that over an awkward dating scenario any day of the week.

I just don’t have the desire or the energy for dating. Not to mention at the end of the day I am perfectly happy with my single life.

I have always been an intensely independent person, and I actually looove my alone time. That’s not to say I don’t also love company or being around people – because I do. I’m an introvert when you first meet me, but I thrive on human connection – Correction; I thrive on genuine, and organic human connection. Disingenuous connections… now that’s another story.

I may not have a list of 100 friends, but I do have a handful wonderful, close friends who I spend lots of time with and love to do so. They are cherished relationships that I hold dear to my heart, and I wouldn’t trade for all the alone time in the world…

But I do also crave solo time. I love coming home to my quiet little space, knowing that it is totally mine and having the complete and utter freedom that comes with being alone. I am not a selfish person, but I love knowing that I can choose to do whatever makes me happy there without the worry of what someone might think about how I’m spending my time.

All my life, I’ve always felt a little bit judged when it comes to how I spend my free time. I’ve had many people make fun of me for how I choose to spend my Friday and Saturday nights simply because I’m not spending them out at bars or clubs, drinking and “meeting” or “hooking up” with new guys. I’ve had people mock me for preferring to stay home and bake cookies and snuggle with my cat on Friday nights; I’ve been told I need to be “more outgoing”, and called a “hermit”, a “crazy cat lady,” a “loner,” a “loser,” etc… etc…

I’ve had people give me many sideways glances when I tell them that I spent my Saturday on a five hour hike by myself or that I took myself for a romantic walk on the beach or went to brunch or a movie by myself… but these are all very natural things for me to do, and that I don’t mind doing by myself at all; In fact I love doing them in solitude – a lot of the time I prefer it.

But I feel like people don’t necessarily believe me when I say that; like they worry about me, because they are constantly saying things like “don’t worry you’ll find somebody” or “I just can’t understand how you don’t have a boyfriend” and I just can’t help but think… But what if I don’t want to find somebody right now? Is that weird to you? Is there something wrong with me? Clearly – because everybody seems to think that being single is some kind of plague and that I must me just miserable enduring it…

But the simple truth is… I’m not. I love this “single life.” I know people might feel sorry for me, because maybe they associate my being single, as being alone, but I don’t feel “alone.” In fact I feel the exact opposite of alone.

And I know these are just words coming from people who love me, and that they are meant with all the best intentions. I don’t hold it against them. I love them for caring so much about me that they worry about my genuine happiness. I understand that It’s a perfectly “normal” thing for them to say to a single person. They just love me and they don’t want me to feel lonely; and I love them so much for that. I am so lucky to have the people in my life that I do.

After Cole and I broke up, I started to realize that my intense sadness didn’t stem from a fear of being alone. For me it was simply a sadness over losing my best friend. We had grown up together; we had experienced so much life together and were so intertwined for such a long time, it was almost as if our two souls had become one. So when we weren’t together anymore, I had no idea how I was going to survive without my other half. It was like learning how to ride a bike, except with no legs.

But sadness over being alone or a fear of maybe “being alone for the rest of my life” wasn’t really top of mind for me, because like I say – I don’t feel alone; I feel so full and happy in this new life – even thought it is just me. Over the past year I have come to realize that “just me” is more than enough.

Of course I have moments of loneliness – who doesn’t? I am only human. But the simple truth is that 98% of the time, I don’t feel lonely. Most of the time I am utterly jazzed about going about my life solo. And I have finally accepted the fact that not living my life in search of a partner does not make me “weird”

So yes, it may have taken an embarrassingly long time, but finally realized how absurd it was to be forcing myself into awkward dating situations with guys… because for what? Just so I could say that I was a “normal” single person actively involved in the dating game. Whyyy do I care about that when I am so, soo happy with where I’m at with it being just me?

Do I get lonely sometimes? Yes. Of course I do. Do I want to have children one day? Yes, if I find the right fit, I would love to have children. Do I see couples holding hands and kissing and sometimes get reminded of what I had with Cole and feel a bit sad? I absolutely do. Do I sometimes wonder if I will ever have that again? Yes, I do – but I don’t let it worry me if maybe I wont again. I have so much gratitude for what I was lucky enough to experience in my past relationship, that even if it’s all I get in this life, I will be a very happy hearted person.

Something I have realized about myself since my breakup is that I am an intensely independent person; I have hobbies, interests and priorities that take up most of my free time. More importantly, I’ve realized that I don’t want to have to so sacrifice those parts of myself in a relationship, and those things will probably make it a little more difficult for me to find a match… but I’m okay with that. Because maybe I’m not destined to end up with someone. Maybe I’m here to dedicate my time to other things, so maybe I will be single for the rest of my life… and I’ve come to realize that I’m okay with that.

Anyways, this was a very long-winded post and you are all probably sick of my rambling now because it has absolutely nothing to do with baking whatsoever… but I have been having these thoughts a lot lately, and I just really wanted to share them, on the off chance that maybe one of you is struggling with feeling something similar; feeling alone and like you’re desires aren’t okay simply because maybe they are different than the “norm”...

So tying this all back into Valentine’s Day… I just want you to know that you are not alone in this. We are never alone. And all this thinking really made me feel a bit more excited about this holiday as a whole. Like it doesn’t have to be a day just for lovers… but a day to express and remind the people you love in your life just how much they mean to you. A day to get giddy about your relationship with your best girlfriend or your brother or your sister or you mom or your dad… we all have different kinds of love in our lives, and I will forever more look at Valentine’s Day as a day to cherish all that love – regardless of whether I am in a relationship.

Anyways… that’s my update on where I’m at for the time being. Just a happy little baker over here. Happy in the new life I have built for myself, trying my best to live life in the moment, and in a way that is most special to me. Trying my best to learn how to be kind to myself, and trust that I know what is right for me.

There is so much joy, and happiness to be found in this world, even if you are doing it solo – I promise, there truly is. You just have to stop and take a look around to see it.

So all I hope is maybe this post will inspire you to do the same. Live the life that is right for you, and don’t let anybody make you feel like you need to be doing something different. Do you. Be happy. That is the most important thing.

So in the spirit of that, I know in my heart that what makes me happiest is connecting with you all through baking. So I’m just gonna bake, bake, bake … (kind of a weak T-Swift reference there, if you catch my drift) haha. FAIL.

Happy weekend lovelies.

KP xoxoxo