Hi, hi friends,
How was everybody’s week? This past week was a pretty awesome one; Awesome for a number of different reasons. I had a couple of new things happen that were all kinds of hella scary – but also all kinds of hella exciting.
There were a lot of special moments this week, but my absolutefavourite part came just the other day, when I received a message from one of you that inspired a bit more of a personal post this week…
I guess more than anything, this is kind of a follow up post to something I wrote about last year; A post that I have been meaning to write, but haave been struggling to find the right words. But after I read this message, I was feeling really inspired to share a little bit – so here it goes…
Last year I published the most personal post I have ever shared here. I wrote about my break up with my Fiance; my boyfriend & best friend of 11 years. I threw it all out there and admitted to all the heartbreak and struggles that came along with that time in my life – no holds barred.
It’s hard for me to believe it’s almost been a year since I shared that post. It’s kind of strange actually, because in some ways it feels like it was just yesterday that I published it; and yet in other ways it feels like I have lived a whole other life since then… Like I have been living a whole new chapter for years and years now. Funny how time can feel that way…
I can still remember typing it that post out. Reading it a million times over; At first editing myself so meticulously, and then finally saying fuck it. I shared everything with you guys…
I remember hitting publish, only to immediately un-publish the post 30 seconds later. I swear I did that about fifty times before I actually let it stick; before I truly left it all out there for everyone to see…
It was the hardest post I have ever written, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t absolutely terrified to share it with all of you. Terrified because it was so deeply personal; Terrified because I was worried about what you all might think of me after sharing such an intimate piece of my heart. Would you think I was weak for feeling the way that I did for so long? Would you think I was crazy for sharing all that? I was sure you would see me as a complete mess of a human being because that’s exactly how I felt.
I was terrified for all the opinions you might form about me, while also being simultaneously terrified that hey, maybe nobody would even care at all – which, somehow I worried might feel even worse…
At the time, I questioned myself so many times about whether it was the right decision to share such a deeply personal post – But when I look back on it now, I am so, so happy that I did…
For one thing I found that it was incredibly cathartic. I’ve always found that about writing; Always found that somehow pouring my heart out onto a page helps me to release the thoughts and emotions that I feel otherwise powerless to stop from haunting me. I really think sharing that post helped me take the first step towards letting go of all the pain; towards pulling myself out of the dark hole that I was in; towards carrying on & finding my happiness again.
But the thing that has been most special to me since sharing that post, is to connections to you guys that it brought me. Ever since publishing it I have been given the pleasure of hearing from, and connecting with so many of you who read it. I got to connect not only with those of you who were lovely enough to send your well wishes; but also with many of you over stories of shared heart ache, and beautiful stories of healing.
It’s no exaggeration for me to say that it was those connections – connections with complete strangers – that helped me more than anything else to truly heal.
I cannot even begin to tell you what it has meant to me to get to connect with those of you who has reached out to me over that post; those of you who trusted me enough to open up and share your stories with. It’s something I will spend my life being forever grateful for.
So why the sudden urge to write this follow up post? Well, again it was inspired by one of you wonderful people. The other day I opened up my DM’s on instagram, and was met with a message from one of you. A message that held a story; A story about a recent break up and heartache.
They opened up to me in that message, and as I always am, I was honoured that they wanted to share it with me. My heart broke for them when they described “feeling awful”, and that they questioned why they had “ever opened up.” to their now ex-partner.
Then they said something that quite literally brought me to tears; brought me to tears because not only was it such a kind thing for them to say – but also because I knew in that moment how beautiful their soul was, and how lucky I was to be touched by it. I knew after reading it, that they would heal and come out the other side of their heartbreak stronger than ever before; that they would find joy and love again.
What they said was this; “I got so used to being a couple, and I don’t know how to go back to enjoying myself as I see you do. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this… I think it’s because when I see you, I somehow remember how it was when I enjoyed myself… At least I’m happy that you are happy.”
I was just about to head home from a meeting when I read that message, and it was enough to bring me to a puddle of tears in my car. Tears because I was immediately flooded with so much emotion for them as they faces this heartbreak. So I sat in my car and I cried; Cried over their broken heart; Cried because I wished I could hug them; Cried because I wished I could look them in the eye, and tell them that everything would be okay;
Cried because I remembered my breakup last year – remembered being exactly where they were, and how desperately I had needed that same bit of light to pull me through; Cried over the fact that they said they found a glimmer of light from something that I shared here; Cried because despite their heartache, they could still find the kindness in their soul to tell me that I was a light for them that day; I cried because knowing there are wonderful people like the person who sent me this message in the world is enough to fill me up for the rest of my life…
After reading that message, and pulling myself together enough to drive home – I got to thinking about mending a broken heart. I am no expert on the subject – heck, I barely made it through my toughest days, and I am still very much healing myself…
But whenever I get messages from you guys like this, I always wish that I could say something to truly make you feel better. I always wish that I could somehow find the perfect words, or offer some kind of gold advice that would have the power to take all your pain away… But I always feel powerless to help you. Powerless because I don’t have the perfect words; Even though I have been where you are, I still don’t know what to say…
Sometimes, when I really get to thinking about it, I wonder if the perfect words or advice to mend a broken heart actually exist; or if maybe there really is no right or wrong way to heal your heart. I really have no idea, but I do know that we are all different; what worked for me might work for you, but it also might not. Healing is a deeply individual thing, and we all get there on our own path, and in our own time…
So even thought I didn’t know what to say, to say to the person who sent that message I did know that I wanted to help somehow; to at least try to provide some kind of comfort and hope. So I shared some of the words that gave me the most strength when I was at my most broken; words that actually came from you guys after I sharing that post last year…
Many of you told me to “be kind to myself;” to allow myself to “feel what I needed to feel,” and “not to rush myself.” You told me I was “allowed to feel like a piece of shit, because it wasn’t going to be forever.” you assured me that “even though I couldn’t imagine it now, that one day I would heal”
They were such simple sentiments, but I clung onto those words for dear life, because they meant everything to me. They were my guiding light out of a hole that I didn’t think I had the strength to pull myself out of…
So I said these things to the person who messaged me. I apologized for not knowing what to say, but told her I was always there to talk if they needed it. They told me that what I said gave them much comfort – I don’t know if they really did, but I hoped they did. Then they thanked me for taking the time to respond to them – but all I could think was how I should be the one thanking them. Thanking them for trusting me with their story; Thanking them for taking the time to tell me that I brought them some happiness…
So I want to take a second to thank you for that because there is truly nothing that means more to me than to hear that.
There is nothing that means more to me than getting to connect with you guys. You never have to think you are bothering me by sending me a message, or feel like you have to thank me for responding. It is me who should be thanking you for reaching out to me. That’s how I feel about it anyway, and I just want you all to know that…
I feel like I’m rambling now, but I just really wanted to share this story and some thoughts and words that gave me strength to get through my heartbreak. I wanted to share them in the hopes that maybe somebody who needs them will find comfort in them the same way that I did.
I also wanted to share this story with you guys in the hopes that it might inspire you to say something kind to someone; something kind to a friend or a family member or even a complete stranger. I don’t know much, but I know that you will never regret taking the time to tell someone how special you think they are. So I hope if nothing else, this post might inspire you to do that – because you never know – the person you say that to might need it more than you know…
I can personally tell you that it was a message from a complete stranger that brought me back to life last year; a message from one of you that made me feel a little less worthless; a simple message that made me stop to think that maybe, just maybe, something I was doing could actually bring value to this world…
After my break up with Cole I hit an all time low with my self worth. I felt like I had completely lost myself; like I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror and on the days that I could finally muster up the courage to look myself in the eye, I was haunted by the reflection staring back at me. Haunted, because it was someone I didn’t recognize; someone I had no respect or love for; someone I didn’t even like; someone I didn’t want to be.
I felt like a failure; Like if I had only been better in every possible way, things would have been different. I tortured myself with self deprecating thoughts day and night about all the reasons why I wasn’t good enough for that relationship; why I didn’t deserve him anymore, and probably never did…
It got to a point where I questioned whether my very existence was even worth while – I certainly didn’t think it was, and I couldn’t fathom that anybody else on this planet could possibly think otherwise…
I stopped doing anything that brought me any sense of joy, because I didn’t think I deserved it. I stopped baking; Stopped dancing; Stopped laughing. I stopped seeing my friends, because I couldn’t stand to let them see me that way. I had moved back in with my parents and I would try my best to put on a brave face for them so they wouldn’t worry, but on the inside I was a house cards; a brittle disaster; a mess of emotions ready to crumble at even the slightest breeze that came my way.
I started to imagine that everyone must have been sick of me. Sick of waiting for me to snap out of it; Sick of waiting for me to get on with my life; Sick of watching me suffer; and I hated the thought of doing that to them. I was sick of me, and I felt like the ultimate burden. I didn’t feel strong; I felt weak – like a complete failure.
I wouldn’t dare ask for help, and if someone tried to offer it I wouldn’t accept it. I wouldn’t dare because I was terrified to let them in; to rely on anyone for help, because what if they left me too? Then where would I be? Even more broken than I already was?
I was alive, but I was barely living. I was barely existing, and I started to feel like everyone’s lives would just be so much easier if I was gone – like permanently gone. I already felt like a ghost of myself, so what difference would it really make if I was just that… a ghost... a memory of someone who had once been…
I was at an all time low. A place I have never been before and at the time I didn’t think I could bounce back from. But something I have come to find is so spectacular is the resilience of the human spirit. How even when we are at our lowest point – beaten down and exhausted – we can still, somehow manage to muster enough strength to lift ourselves back up. It’s just that sometimes we may need a little bit of help…
It’s wonderful to be independent, and strong on our own, but sometimes I think we do need to lean on others to help hold us up and give us the strength; to guide us in the right direction with their light – and I just want you all to know that, that’s exactly what your words did for me.
This was something I had to learn; that it was okay for me to need help. I am always more than willing to give help, but have a very hard time asking for it in return. I am guilty of feeling like a burden and never wanting to bring people down with my own silly emotions. But throughout this process I have come to realize that there is no shame in leaning on people when you need them; that there is actually a beauty in it. Beauty because what goes around comes around – and what I mean by that, is that there will be times in your life when you need a shoulder to cry on, but then there will also be times when you are the shoulder… we are here for each other.
As long as we have love – love for ourselves, and others that we share and receive – well then we can make it through anything. I really do believe that.
I guess, what I am trying to say, is that if you are feeling like you are at your lowest; like you don’t want to carry on because you don’t feel like you are strong enough; or because you don’t believe that your existence is of value… Please, please just remember that I know you are. I know that you are of value; I know that you are strong. I know you can pick yourself up – it might not be today, it might not be tomorrow or a week from now – but one day when you are ready, you will find that strength. One day, you will set fire to a flame within yourself that you never knew was there. I know that even if you can’t imagine it right now, one day you will find joy again; and that one day you will love again…
More than anything I wanted to share all of this with you because I think that stories are healing; and I think that they are healing because of the human connection they give us the opportunity to feel; Because I really believe that true, genuine human connection is something we can all hold onto forever and never let go; that it’s what makes us powerful.
Love is an incredible thing; It really is. I find it kind of mysterious in all its glory because yes, it is love that has the power break our hearts into what feels like a million pieces – but I also believe it is love that has the power to truly mend those pieces back together. And that is a thought I will always hold on to.
I’m not sure if any of this made any kind of sense, or provided any kind of comfort or insight on healing a broken heart… So I am going to leave this one with a few quotes from people who are actually good with words. These are quotes that really helped me, and continue to help me to this day.
I hope you might find comfort in them too…
Quotes on healing…
“You deserve to be fought for. Remember that. You can spend your entire life supporting other people and it would be a wonderful one. But you deserve to be surrounded by people who will support you too. As strong as you are, you’re stronger with others. In your moments of weakness (and they will come) you can fall into this big golden net you have of people who love you and they can carry you for a bit. You deserve to be chosen. That’s just the simple truth”
“Your heart has been broken. But it has not been broken beyond repair. And it is worthy of sunlight and attention. Gentleness. And Care.” Morgan Harper Nicols
“Sometimes life doesn’t give you something you want, not because you don’t deserve it, but because you deserve more.” – Create the Love, Mark Groves
“I have what I have and I am happy. I’ve lost what I’ve lost and I am still happy” – Rupi Kaur
“The beautiful think about life is that you can always change. grow and get better. You aren’t defined by your past or your mistakes.” – Pim Feels
“Oh how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard” – Piglet, Winnie the Pooh
“The most powerful choice of all is to make your decisions out of love rather than fear” – The Better Man Project
“Keep going while knowing you are allowed to pace yourself no matter the progress, the speed or the pace of anyone else.” – Morgan Harper Nicols
“What is stronger than the human heart which shatters over and over and still lives” Rupi Kaur
“She is learning to be content right here, where she is.” – Morgan Harper Nicols
“Breakups are a beautiful opportunity to meet and choose ourselves“ – Mark Groves, Create the Love
“Forgiveness doesn’t change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” Paul Boese
“If the hurt comes, so will the happiness. Be Patient” Rupi Kaur
“You don’t have to chase love from another. Give it to yourself and then watch as the universe brings you love that you don’t need and instead, you want” – Mark Groves, Create the Love
“I am holding space in my heart for love even when if feels safer to do the opposite. I am holding space in my life for healing even when the hurt seems to much to bear. I am holding space in my mind for growth even when I feel stuck.” – Alex Elle
“It’s risky. It’s scary. It could all fall apart. Yes. But what if it all comes together?” The Better Man Project
“It is okay if ‘strength’ is nothing more than slow and careful breaths that you bravely draw forth from one moment to the next” – Morgan Harper Nicols
I have often wondered why we ask questions like, ‘How do we make love last?’ Like it’s something we can run out of… You love more. You love harder. You love yourself. You love others. and Even if you lose your relationship, you just keep loving. The volume of love doesn’t depend on whether people stay or go. It depends on whether we keep saying “Yes” to love and keep the faucet going.” Mark Groves, Create the Love
“But my darling there’s no such thing as light at the end of the tunnel. You Must realize that you are the light” – The Better Man Project
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