This Holiday Season

I’m one of those people who catches the holiday bug good and early. Like right after Halloween kind of early… like borderline annoying early. Oh and I’m highly contagious. Spreading Holiday Cheer like nobodies business over here, because I just love this time of year; everything about it.

I love stringing up Christmas lights in the freezing cold; warming up with mugs of homemade hot chocolate; chilly visits to the Christmas Tree farm followed by a cozy evening spent decorating the tree; holiday festivals; cheesy Christmas movies; Christmas cookie swaps; holiday crafts; fuzzy pyjamas; Christmas music on repeat; aimless walks in the snow; ugly Christmas sweaters; Holiday bakathons & cookie swaps… there are so many things to love about this season and I am always eager to participate in all of them.

I just can’t believe how fast this season has flown by and that it’s already almost Christmas! 

Like I say, I love this time of year. It makes me jolly AF. But Serious talk –  this holiday season has been a little bit bitter sweet for me and has got me doing a lot of reflecting on this past year.

I truly cannot believe how fast this year has flown by. And actually writing that sentence seems like such a surreal and crazy thing for me to say. I guess it feels that way because when this year started out, I was in such a heartbroken, sad, self defeating place, (you can read all about it here)  that some days I swear it felt like time was literally standing still. January, February and March were a blurr of days, where every single one started out with an all encompassing struggle just to will myself to crawl out of bed, and simply exist… And when I finally did the days would drag on and I would find myself counting down the hours left in the day until I could return to the solace of hiding out in my bed again…

So thinking about how much things have changed in just a matter of months still feels somewhat crazy to me. I thought this would be the longest, saddest, darkest year of my life, and yet somehow it has been the complete opposite. To say it has been the best year of my life sounds a bit cliche, but it’s just the truth. It has been an emotional roller coaster – no doubt about that; A beautiful mess of the deepest lows, the highest of highs, and everything else in between. The lows were the hardest of my life; but I wouldn’t change them. I wouldn’t change them because they got me to where I am today – and that truly is a beautiful thing to think about.

Isn’t it funny how your mind can shift like that? How something that you once thought was so ugly, can evolve and turn into something unbelievably beautiful? We are resilient things we human beings; I know this but I am always amazed by the strength of the human spirit; Amazed by how absolutely perfect we are in all of our imperfection.

So why am I getting all deep with you guys right now? I guess I just wanted to be open and honest about my real life, because sometimes I feel like the social media glow that is projected by so many people (myself included) can be very misleading. This is something that I have been struggling with for a few months now – trying to make sure that as I get to connect with more and more people, that what I am projecting is always uplifting; that you can come to my page for inspiration and positivity; for frivolous fun but also for real life.

Yes, overall, I am a very happy, light hearted, person. I try my best not to take myself too seriously, and most of the time I have fun just being a total goof and laughing my way through life. I don’t sweat the small, trivial stuff because I have a strong sense of what is truly important in my life. I find intense joy in the smallest of things, (like Christmas Trees and gingerbread cookies) and I try to share that with you guys because I think it’s the simple joys that are so easily overlooked, yet can be the most meaningful to our souls.

That was a goal I set for myself this year – to learn how to embrace all of my imperfections, rather than hating myself for them; To see the beauty in my flaws because they are what makes me, me. Overall, I think I am proud of the steps I have made to achieving this goal; But changing the way you think about yourself is a process. So while I am by no means cured of my self defeating habits, I still I keep trying everyday and I hope that’s what counts; That my determination will eventually get me to the place I strive to be.

I get so many beautiful messages from you guys telling me that “my happiness is contagious;” or that you love my “positive attitude”; “my fun tutorials”; “my awkward kitchen dance parties”; I am so humbled by these messages, and I cannot even begin to tell you guys what they mean to me. The idea that I could be making you smile, especially if maybe you’ve just had the crummiest of days, brings me more joy than I could ever find the words to describe.

All that being said; I am human, and I have bad days too – actually sometimes I have really bad days. I get sad. Yep, believe it or not the girl who dances around in her kitchen in her granny sweater like a fool gets sad.

I had a moment just the other day where I was sitting at my desk at work – one minute I was totally fine – and then suddenly like a tsunami my mind was flooded with torturous memories from my past that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shut off. Before I knew it my heart was pounding, and my eyes were overflowing with tears; Before anybody in my office could notice I forced myself out of my chair and did a swift dash to the bathroom, where I proceeded to cry silent tears and violently hyperventilate from the thoughts racing through my mind. 

At first I was fighting the tears. Fiercely trying to regain my composure so that I could swiftly slip back to my desk without anyone in the office suspecting anything at all. Firmly whispering at myself to “get a grip;” scolding myself for crying at work, and feeling like an absolute and utter failure at everything that I do. 

I did that alone in the bathroom for a solid five minutes with no such luck of calming myself down. And then I remembered that I didn’t have to do this alone. Something that I have been teaching myself slowly. That it’s okay to seek help from other people. So I sent my best friend an SOS message and she told me something that was so simple, and yet helped me in so many ways. She simply told me that I’m “allowed to feel this way. ” She told me that my feelings are completely valid.

Her words were so simple and yet they were all I needed to snap out of it. Something clicked; Like holy shit, I’m allowed to cry over painful things from my past? I’m allowed to feel like shit for a few minutes? Well okay then, I will. 

So I let myself cry. I fully embraced the sobbing; I let the tears stream down my face until my make up was gone, my eyes were blood shot and there was nothing left in me. When I was done I was exhausted, but I felt better. I had welcomed the emotions, let them wash over me, and then that was it; they didn’t have power over me anymore; they just passed right over me just like the wave I described them as. They had come, and then they had gone. Suddenly it was easy to pick myself up off the bathroom floor, wash my face, and feel totally calm about returning to my desk for a second attempt at the day. 

Once I got home I allowed myself some time to reflect on the tears; I hadn’t cried like that in months, and it caught me more than a little off guard. I think because somehow I had fooled myself into thinking that I was completely “over it” – and by “it” I mean my break up with my fiance. But surprise – I guess I’m not. 

I feel very deeply; Not only for myself but also for others. So when things are painful it’s very easy for me to shrink into myself and sometimes it’s a struggle for me to even face the day… but I do. In times like this I have to make a very conscious effort to choose to fight instead of give up; to choose happiness over sorrow. But it’s not as easy as it sounds. Sometimes it’s so bad that I really don’t know how I do it. Most of the time I think I do it out of fear; serious fear that I will go back to that dark place from a few months ago; fear that if I go back there I won’t actually be strong enough to pull myself out again.

The Holiday Season has been stirring up a lot of memories and mixed emotions for me. Emotions that I thought I had gotten over; moved on from; let go of; tucked away, and locked up in a drawer never to be seen again; And yet here I am; back to crying in the bathroom at work and welling up as I type out this story.

It’s a weird feeling; defeating almost, to think that you had come so far, only to be proven completely wrong by something as simple as a memory…

I don’t think saying that “I’m sad” thinking about all these things is the right way to describe it – more like sentimantal… maybe even just very thankful? Which, does make me feel a little pathetic that even after all this time, that this stuff still has such a hold over me – but then again, I guess it’s normal to feel nostalgic about these things… maybe? Maybe not. I mean what is “normal” really when it comes to matters of the heart? Everyone is different, and we deal with things in our own way and time. But I still feel like I’m falling short… like I should be past all of this by now; like I should have forgotten everything by now…

I guess that’s where I struggle; with forgetting. I’m different in that way because I don’t really want to forget – not because I’m still holding onto something that I know is no longer there – but more so because I don’t think it would be fair to just pretend like those years of my life never happened. There was so much good in those years that I think will always be a part of me.

One of my favourite quotes is “Don’t cry because it’s over; Smile because it happend.” I think it’s such a beautiful quote, and it’s one that I definitely live by. So with that in mind, I will always be particularly grateful for the memories we shared during the holiday season; for all the joy we brought each other. Because it’s something to be cherished and not forgotten – At least that’s how I like to think of it.

So again… why am I telling you all this? It’s embarrassing to admit this stuff really. But I have had so many messages from amazing people responding to the story I shared so many months ago, and it’s compelled me to share some more; to give you a little update, and also because again, I very often worry that the “Instagram glow” can be misleading. Social media can be a bit of a tricky thing, and at the end of the day it is very important to me to be real with you all. It’s something I think about everyday, and always want to be conscious of.

I share the positive with you, because they are things that I am excited about, and I want to share that excitement and that beauty. More than anything I hope to be a positive, uplifting and inspiring force for you; a space in the online world that you can visit when you need a little pick me up.

But at the same time I don’t want to mislead you into thinking that I am not a real person with a make-belief perfectly-happy-all-the-time-life. Nobody is, and certainly not me. I am not perfect. I am not happy all the time – most of the time I am – but I go through all the emotional ups and downs of life just like everybody else; I struggle daily with anxiety; self worth; depression; social situation; finding balance with food and so many other things.

We all have our struggles, but I think it’s the messy parts of life that make it worth while. I have so much to be grateful for and I think that’s why I love the Holiday season so much; because it always reminds me of that, and what is really important in life.

Anyways, that was a very long winded blog post that probably didn’t really make much sense at all. But this holiday season has me feeling super mushy and grateful for you guys. Grateful that I get to share and connect with you all. Gah! I just love you all so much (not going to cry, not going to cry… okay fine I’m crying)

Let’s all make Gingerbread and laugh and cry together!

Here is my recipe for classic Gingerbreads,

These are decorated with Cream Cheese Frosting because…. it’s just better.

Happy Baking lovelies.

KP