Picking up the Pieces: There Will Always Be Chocolate Chip Cookies

I have been trying for months to write this post…. To find the right words that will make up the deepest and most personal post I have ever shared with you all. I’ll be honest, it’s been a struggle for me. Not just finding with the words, but more so deciding whether or not I should even share…

I have gone back and forth more times than I care to share trying to decide if I should; Wondering to myself things like… Would you guys want to hear my story? Would you even care to know more about me? And even if by some chance you did, would you think this particular story pathetic? Depressing? Ridiculous? After you read it, would you prefer I hadn’t shared? Would you wish I had just left my personal life out of it? Tell me I should just stick to only sharing recipes?

I’ve asked myself these questions – and many worse ones – too many times to count. I’ve hovered over the publish button for hours, only to close my lap top tight, and resolved to try again another day countless times. I’ve hit publish, only to unpublish it thirty seconds later… I’ve done this twice actually.

So here we are… finally published. After much overthinking, I finally decided that it was what I wanted to do. But before you read on – that is, if you even want to – I feel the need to say just one more thing. I want you all to know that I’m not sharing this story with you because I want attention, or because I particularly enjoy having my personal life out there for the world to see. On the contrary, I am a very private, introverted person by nature, who keeps my feelings inside, for fear of burdening other people with my problems. I have no trouble being the shoulder for others to cry on – but when it comes to myself, I struggle to share. I guess it’s because I never think that my feelings are really warranted, so why would anybody else?

Yet here I am… putting it all out there. No filter, no protection… and absolutely terrified. This was a terrifying decision to share with you all, but ultimately I decided to do it for two reasons. The first reason being because this community has given me so much love, support and inspiration that I wanted to be honest with you and explain why I have been so absent lately. I want to apologize for not feeling inspired, and for not trying harder to push past it all.

And the second reason I decided to share, is because I hope that maybe – just maybe – there is a chance that this post could do some good. Maybe my sharing could help somebody else out there who is going through a tough time; help somebody who like me is feeling lost, scared or alone. If absolutely nothing else – I hope this post can do at least that…

Many of you have been following along with my posts for a long time, so you might know a few little things about my personal life. Little tid-bits I have shared here and there. But for those of you who are new, or maybe haven’t read too deeply into my posts before, I guess I should preface all of this a little bit first.

I feel so awkward trying to start this story, because I really have no idea where to begin. It’s all such a big part of my life that I feel like I need a full length novel to tell you the whole story. So trying to trim it down for this blog post seems impossible and honestly unfair because I know my words wont be able to do it justice – but I have to start somewhere…

So let me start by saying that for the past eleven years, I have lived a wonderful life. A life filled with happiness; exciting firsts; adventure; meaningful hardships and above all an incredible love. I spent these years madly in love and in a long term relationship with my best friend. We built a life together; made a home; a simple home, but one that was so precious to me. We fixed it up and filled it with beautiful moments that turned into memories I will cherish forever. Two years ago he proposed to me and saying yes was the easiest thing I have ever done. We were engaged and so happy; we had plans… There’s no easy way to say this, so all I can think to say is that sometimes life throws you a curve ball and your plans have to change, even if it’s the last thing you want…

So despite how I feel; In the last few months, I have had to try to learn to say goodbye to that part of my life… To try to say goodbye to the memories and the things I had always hoped and dreamed we would share together in the future…

Writing it down here  makes it sound easy. Like I should be able to flip a switch and just be okay with losing the one thing that mattered most to me in the world. But as much as I wish it was that easy; as much as I wish I could just turn it all off, I’m finding that no matter how hard I try, I just cant. And it makes me feel like a fool and failure everyday; A fool because, I really believed we were forever. I believed it so much. And a failure because I’m not strong enough to let it go.

The hard truth is that I’m not the first person to have my hear broken – mu situation is no more special than anybody elses; and yet I feel like a complete disaster. Like I should be handling this so much better than I am. I have seen others go through the same thing except somehow they manage to hold their heads up high and continue to live with grace and dignity. They are so strong, and I just feel so weak. But no matter how hard I try, I feel like I’m always coming up short.

I feel so helpless because it wasn’t my decision, and being unable to change it – forced to let go of something I cherished so deeply and wholeheartedly, has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to try to do, and the worst part is that I don’t know how. I just wish I knew how…

Cole and I were together for eleven years and were friends for years before that. We may have been just a couple of kids when we started out, but that doesn’t make the time that we shared together any less remarkable. We grew up together. He was my best friend, and I loved him with everything in me. I shamelessly believed and dared to utter words like we were “meant to be.” I thought that we were an incredible team; that we understood, and were honest with each other; that there was nothing in this world that we couldn’t conquer if we took it on together. He was my deepest love; my friend; my teammate; my confidant. I always felt like we had everything, because we had each other; that no matter what the hardships the world threw our way, as long as we had each other, that would always be more than enough. Our love and our life together meant everything to me… and no matter what I do, it always comes down to one simple conclusion… I just  don’t know how to let it go.

On top  of the heartbreak, I overthink. I’ve always questioned myself and my every day decisions – worried that I’m not doing my absolute best. So I’m finding it almost impossible for me not go over and over all of this in my mind every second of every day. Wondering to myself what it was I did wrong; Where did I mess up? What could I have done differently? Wondering why I just wasn’t enough…

The self doubt creeps into my brain and takes over like a poison. It winds its way through and fills every last part of my mind up with reasons why I wasn’t enough. I think to myself; this happened because you weren’t fun enough; because you aren’t pretty enough; because you aren’t outgoing enough; adventurous enough; smart enough; witty enough; successful enough; happy enough; skinny enough; funny enough; sexy enough; easy going enough; ambitious enough; sweet enough; cool enough; talented enough; encouraging enough; fun enough; attentive enough; you simply aren’t good enough…

These thoughts fill my head all the time – obliterating anything good – leaving me empty. On good days, I try tell myself they aren’t true – that I’m being too hard on myself – but believing that is another story… it’s not that simple for me. Do you know what I mean?

I know how important it is to love yourself, and I wish I could say that I have all the self love in the world filling me up and pushing me to move forward and be strong, but right now it’s just not the case; it’s definitely the goal – but getting there is a long, hard process for me.

I guess it’s all my feelings that are making all of this so hard for me – they why it’s been to hard to try to put it all behind me to move on. All the feelings of being in love are still there for me, and hard as I try, simply trying to make them disappear seems like an impossible task. How do you stop being in love with someone? How do you do that?

It’s a process I guess… Something that I can only hope will come with time, but right now it’s just painful. An all encompassing kind of pain. It’s emotional pain, but still I feel it all over my body. It’s like being run over by a train; but a train that keeps coming and coming, with no end in sight.

There have been times where I just curl up in a ball on my bed,  hold onto my knees, close my eyes and try to rock myself into oblivion; to whisper anything to myself just to try and ease the pain. But in those moments nothing works. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, nothing can stop this train; this pain. So right now I’m just trying to ride it out; let the train roll over me; crush me; break all of bones, while I wait for all of the last of the cars to finally pass, leaving me in pieces on the tracks. Pieces of me that are battered, bruised and broken – but pieces that maybe, I can finally start to pick up. Pieces that just maybe I can try to learn to paste back together.,,

But trying to rebuild is a strange thing to think about for me. I feel like a child, learning how to do all these things, even though I have been doing them for years… just in a different way. Like learning how to not be a “we” anymore. I’m just an “I” and just that thought has the power to bring me to tears out of no where. The number of times I have burst into tears without warning because of the simple thought that I will no longer share my life with Cole have become uncountable.

I keep catching myself in conversations referring to memories in my life as “we” and I feel like an impostor. I feel immediately compelled to correct myself – to refer to myself as “I” – like I no longer have the right to say that we did those things together because it’s not fair to him to act like we are still bonded to each other by those memories. And every time it’s like a knife to my heart. Those are my worst moments; The ones that hurt enough to make me want to give up the fight.

I’m learning how to do things we used to love to do together, all by myself. I know how stupid that sounds, but right now all those things feel completely awful. Things as simple as going for a walk, watching a movie on the couch or going out to dinner. I’m trying to learn how to be okay with just doing those things we enjoyed doing so much together, solo. I hate to admit that this is so hard for me. It feels ridiculous. Like I’m completely co-dependent, even though that’s not what it’s about. I know I should be a stronger and a more independent woman than that; like it should be easy for me to just move on and forget about us… but for me it’s just not that simple. It’s not that I needed Cole in my life to feel happy; not like the world wasn’t beautiful without him by my side – it’s just that it was so just that much more beautiful; just that much more happy…

The other day I went to the movies by myself – something I have never done in my life. I got there early, because that’s just the kind of person I am; always early. I was the only one in the theatre. I sat there alone feeling more lonely in the theatre than I ever have in my life. I couldn’t stop thinking about how many times Cole and I had done that together – sat alone in the movie theatre keeping each other company. Talking; making jokes; anticipating the movie; but more often than not, just holding hands and not needing to say anything at all. I sat there all alone torturing myself with memories and the knowledge that I will never do that again with him. The thought was unbearable. My stomach was turning and I could feel the tears welling up. I tried to fight them back that the lump in my throat got so big I was sure it would choke me to death, leaving me to die alone in a dark movie theatre.

Telling you this story now I feel like a complete lunatic, It all probably sounds completely ridiculous and just downright weak to many of you out there – truth be told I spend most of my time thinking those exact same things about myself. But it’s just the honest truth. All that fear and sadness was truly how I felt in that moment, and I’m learning to tell myself that that’s okay. I’m learning that it’s actually okay to be sad. It’s okay for me to feel those things, and to come unglued. I would never dream of depriving anybody else of their feelings, so why can’t I extend myself the same courtesy? Our feelings mean that we care, and are what make us wonderfully human.

I am definitely not perfect; I’m no role model. But everyday I try to be better, and I think that in the end that’s what really counts. Through all the sadness of losing a relationship that I have cherished for the better part of my life; I’m trying instead to focus on what I am grateful for –  because there are so many things.

I’m so grateful for all the moments we shared together; the things we experienced; I’m grateful for all the things that he gave to me; For all the joy that filled our days; For all the laughter that we shared; For all the things that we taught each other; For all the memories we made; For all the love that we felt; I’m grateful that I got to spend eleven wonderful years with him – even if it wasn’t the life time I had planned, these past eleven years I had the time of my life.

People keep telling me that I need to forget and put it all in the past. But I don’t know if I want to do that. These are years that I will cherish and take with me always. The memories of our life together are as much a part of me as much as my hands; my arms; my beating heart. I would never want to forget them, because they made me who I am today, and I will always be grateful for that.

Right now it’s just hard because the memories are so beautiful that it makes them painful. I have become afraid of the world because no matter where I go everything holds a memory. Songs we sang; clothes I wear; places I go; tv shows we watched… everything has a memory attached to it. The world has become like an emotional mine field for me. I tip toe around with every step I take, trying as hard as I can not to set off an emotional bomb. But it seems like no matter which path I take, they are always there. Even when I think I’m in the clear, there is always a memory waiting to find me. I guess that’s what happens when you share that many years with somebody. All I can do is hope it will get easier with time…

So why have I felt compelled to tell all of you this? I guess it’s because even though I haven’t met you, I think of you all as friends; Friends who have been so supportive of me and I feel you deserve an explanation when I am not being my best self. Over the past few years you all have given me so much love and encouragement. I want you all to know that you have been the breath of fresh air that I need to keep me going; keep me baking. You are the light that shines through on even my darkest days that makes me stop and think that maybe, just maybe, I might be doing something right; something worth while; something that if nothing else, helps to bring people a simple joy.

I’m sharing this with all of you because, I have had many days where I feel completely alone; Like nobody understands why I’m so broken. I know it’s not true, but sometimes it really does feel that way. And there is nothing worse than feeling alone; I wouldn’t wish it upon anybody. So most of all I wanted to share my story, in the hopes that it could maybe help someone nursing a broken heart or going through different kind of tough time. In no way do I expect to fully understand what you are going through in this moment – there is now way I could, because no two situations are ever the same. We all have are own wonderfully unique, challenging and special experiences that make up this ride we call life. But if there is one thing I would hope and wish for this post to do – it would be to provide comfort, support and just maybe help someone who is going through heartbreak; Above all to let you know that you are not alone. You are so not alone, and there is always a light at the end of even the darkest tunnel. And if you feel comfortable enough to open up your heart to me, I would love nothing more for us to be there for each other.

I know this is a lot heavier than my usual posts, so please understand that this post was not meant to depress you or make you feel sorry for me;  that’s the last thing that I want. In fact I hope it does the opposite. I hope it will make you stop and really take a moment to think and be grateful for all the wonderful things in your life. Tell someone that you love them, and how much it means to you that you have them in your life. Think about the things that are bringing you down and find comfort and hope in the idea that those are the things that will make you stronger; better.

I will be completely honest with you; I have had some very dark days. Dark days filled with dark thoughts. Terrifying thoughts; thoughts I never could never have even imagined my mind to be capable of. Thoughts I’m ashamed to admit that I have had. Thoughts that come about because I’m just scared. Scared of going through life without him; Scared that my heart will never heal; Scared that I will never be able to open myself up to love again; Scared that a huge piece of my heart is gone and that I will never be able to get it back; Scared that I will never be happy or fun to be around again. Sometimes these fears are so real that they are crippling. They take hold of me and I feel like I can’t move. But as much as I fear these things, I am trying my hardest not to be consumed by them. I have to have hope that I will get those parts of myself back one day, because the alternative would be a joyless life, and I absolutely refuse to let myself live like that.

There is so much pressure in the online world for everything in our lives to always be happy and beautiful – But the truth is, life isn’t always clean and picture perfect is it? We live with passion and reckless abandon; we fall in love and make all kinds of wonderful plans; and then the world laughs at us and it throws us curve balls that throw everything off course. No life is definitely not easy; It’s messy and completely unpredictable – but I kind of think that’s the whole point, That in the end all the messy stuff if ultimately the most beautiful part of it all. Our struggles are what make life real and worth living; They are what make us stronger, more compassionate, empathetic and better human beings.

So no matter how dark my days sometimes get, I can always find hope in the idea that I will one day look back on this time in my life and not see it as the miserable, awful time I do now. One day I will be able to look back on these days and see them for what they truly are; Another one of my life’s beautiful messes that even if given the opportunity I wouldn’t change for anything… I have to hope that one day that will be true, because it’s the hope that keeps me going.

All that being said – right now I have absolutely no idea what the future holds… and most of the time that really scares me. Terrifies me actually. Sometimes to the point where the fear is  downright immobilizing. But if there is one thing I know I can always count on even on my worst days, it’s this; No matter what life throws at me, I know that I will always, always have chocolate chip cookies. As long as I have a bowl, a wooden spoon, simple ingredients and my own two hands, homemade chocolate cookies are possible, and in that I find comfort. I find my joy.

No matter what happens, I can always count on the simple fact that if I mix together butter with sugar and flour, it will turn into something delicious; Something delicious, I made with my own two hands that is sure to put a smile on the faces of the people that I share them with. For me there is so much comfort in just that. So much comfort in knowing that I can create something so simple, and yet somehow so impactful as a homemade chocolate chip cookie.

So in the spirit of the beauty of a simply chocolate chip cookie – here is a recipe for one of my all time fav’s; Espresso Chocolate Chunk Cookies. Happy baking lovely people…

KP xoxo

Espresso Chocolate Chunk Cookies

Things you need…
1 cup butter
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup dark brown sugar
1 egg
2 egg yolks
1 tbsp pure vanilla extract
1 tbsp espresso powder
1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1 cup pastry flour
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
2 cups good quality dark chocolate, roughly chopped

How to make…

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees regular or 325 convection if possible. (Convection is my favourite way to bake cookies) Line two large baking sheets with parchment paper.

In a large mixing bowl, cream together butter and sugars until pale and creamy. Add in your egg and beat on high until fluffy. Add in your vanilla, and espresso powder; mix on high until combined.

In a small bowl, whisk together flours, baking soda, baking powder, salt and cinnamon. Add dry ingredients to the wet ingredients and beat on low until it starts to come together; increase the speed and beat until completely combined. Beat in your chopped dark chocolate and mix to combine.

Use a large cookie scoop to portion the dough into large balls – you should end up with about 16. You could also make them smaller to end up with 24.

Bake the cookies 1 pan at a time. Bake for 10-12 minutes (depending on the size) or until the edges are golden. If your cookies are a little underbaked, so don’t worry if the centers don’t look quite set, they will continue to cook once you remove them from the oven and just be soft, chewy, delicious!